Featuring Dante's Inferno/Original Story
In the dark corners of Wario's room, the only sources of light were the dual screens of a 3ds. The volume was turned off, leaving the noise of Wario clacking away at the A button as the only opposition to near-silence. His mind mellowed and his actions became automated by muscle memory, he himself no longer even reading the dialogue he was quickly skimming. "What the hell is the difference between Pokemon Sun and Moon, and Pokemon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon?" he asked himself in a hushed mumble. He closed the screen and lit the wick of a candle, illuminating his night stand as well as his close vicinity. "There AIN'T no difference, I tell ya. It's the same damn games. Why haven't I had MY game company pull this off?! I can see it now, 'Wario Ware: Garlic and Wario Ware: Cilantro..." A hushed voice emanated from the dark corners of the room, or perhaps not from the room at all. It spoke with the softness of a whisper right into Wario's ear, yet carried an ethereal distance as if it were but an echo from far, far away. "That's a bad idea..." the voice spoke, lingering in the air and leaving an eerie anxiety. "Ah, who asked you," Wario replied nonchalantly, lacking focus to the point he didn't recognize the irregularity of someone unseen talking to him. The voice spoke once more, this time slightly louder. "Pokemon brings joy to millions of children, but you only want to bring millions of dollars into your pockets..." "Heh. Business is business. It's the same end result, eh?" Wario chuckled. He continued playing his game, his eyes fixed to the top screen. Suddenly, the realization of someone else there hit the man, and his eyes stretched his gaze as if he were staring for miles. He looked up, now aware of his surroundings. "Wait a minute, who's there?" The voice's volume increased yet again. It hissed like the voice of a wraith, yet it carried a smooth, almost moist sensation of coldness which made the hair on Wario's neck crawl. "Your greed has gone far enough, Wario..." Wario's disposition remained sturdy against the pressure. "This better not be you, Waluigi. I told you I'd give you back your car jack as soon as I was done with it." The voice paused, because that comment was so off topic that it got the voice kind of confused. It took the reins of the conversation back by force. "This is no game, Wario. You're running out of chances. Change your ways, before it's too late..." "Nah." "So be it. You've earned yourself a place in Hell." Wario remained steadfast in his defiance. "That's kind of harsh, pal. I feel like you're makin' a mountain out of molehill here. This doesn't seem like a reasonable response to have, given the circumstances." he reasoned. "Today is two days after the day before yesterday, you cannot erase your past. You had your chance to repent and undo what has been done, but you refused... the debility of your poisoned mentality displeases me so begrudgingly." Wario raised an eyebrow and tapped his fingers against his night stand, moving from his pinkie finger to his pointer in the motion of a wave. "That sure was a lot of big words. You sure you used them right, cousin?" The voice lost all hazy echo and normalized to the point where it sounded like a normal conversation between two people. "... never mind that. I shall ask you once more. Do you wish to repent?" "If you're big on repenting for the past, why aren't you going to go make Mario repent? You're going after the guy who got forced to play Indian instead of going after the chubby bastard who played the cowboy? That's pretty racist, bro." "I'm getting to it. Stop changing the subject," the voice returned. Wario yawned and popped his night pills into his mouth, swishing them down with a cold beer. "Why am I talking to no one? I must be drunk. Goodnight, weird voice." A powerful gust of wind assaulted the room, nearly tearing off Wario's covers and instantly snuffing out what little life his bedside candle had left. Wario held his forearm out in front of his face in defense against the ongoing gale, and held down his hat to prevent it too from flying off. The voice regained it's unnerving mysticism and terror. "Speak not, gluttonous one. The time for words has passed. Thou hast desecrated the last sanctities of human decency. May Heaven's wrath fall upon ye pitiable soul as ye succumb to accumulation of thine own sins. You greasy motherfucker." Wario snored in deep slumber as Piranha Plant's lullaby played softly in his head. "..." "..." "..." The door to Wario's room quietly creaked open, and a figure in a ragged black cloak entered the room, with their face obscured by the intense darkness. The figure wasn't all too different in appearance to the popular culture depiction of the grim reaper. It slowly approached the sleeping man with sinister intent, with a chilling orchestral sting of violins accompanying the figure and intensifying as it came closer and closer to its target. The music stopped and the figure just kinda looked down at the snoring man for a few seconds. It lightly placed its hand on Wario's shoulder and shook it with the slightest of motion. "Hey," it spoke, with the same ghostly rasp as before. It shook a little harder. "Hey," it repeated. No response. It shook with more force. "Hey, get up," it insisted. The man continued snoring. Putting much more weight into the movement, the figure shook Wario's shoulder enough to cause his body to wave back and forth like water. "Hey." Wario's snores cracked and chortled as he woke up. "Huwha?" "Hey," the figure repeated, finally being heard this time. "Who are you?" "I'm the Ghost of Late to the Christmas Party," it introduced itself. Wario turned on his phone and looked at his calendar, seeing the date to be in February. "Wow, you really ARE late." "Yeah." Wario was skeptical. "Is this one of those Scrooge McDuck things? Aren't there supposed to be three of you ghosts?" The ghost pointed his thumb over his shoulder to point behind himself. "Well there's this guy." Ghost Rider's flaming skull lit up the room. "Hey." "Hey," Wario said. "Wanna go to hell?" Ghost Rider asked. "Not really," Wario answered. Ghost Rider thought to himself for a moment. "Hmm. I'll let you go if you can make me laugh with a joke," he proposed. Wario collected himself and put his head to work thinking of his best material. "Oh, I've got one. A priest, a rabbi, and an Asian walk into a strip club..." "Ok that's enough," Ghost Rider interrupted, "Time to die, fucker." He took out his flaming whip and double layered it horizontally. Holding both ends, he pushed the top and bottom apart, then pulled to snap the two layers together, kind of like a dad with a belt. Wario gulped. Elsewhere in a totally different location, Toad found his restful sleep disturbed by a late night phone call. He could barely open his crusty eyelids enough to scan his surroundings and locate his phone. The light from the screen blinded him painfully, but he could make out Wario's name as the caller ID. "Wario? What is it?" "Toad! Buddy, cousin! I need your help! I'm being kidnapped, friend! You've got to save me! Go to Hell!" Toad squinted his eyes and blinked them one at a time like a Chameleon. "Fuck off," he mumbled, turning off his phone and going back to sleep. By this point, Ghost Rider's fiery chain was wrapped around Wario's ankles, attempting to drag him. Wario held onto his bed frame even as the chain lifted him into the air, causing his body to lay out horizontally above the ground. He sighed and turned off his phone. "Perhaps not the greatest choice of words on my part," he shrugged. "Time to go, Wario..." the ghost whispered. "Are we... really going to hell?" "You already knew you were on de way to de devil," the ghost asked, finally removing its hood and revealing that one Ugandan Knuckles face. Wario's skin turned pale. Ghost Rider used his free hand to forcibly pull the hood back over the ghost. "I told you to stop doing that." Wario was yanked out of the bedroom and the door slammed shut, leaving the house empty in its darkness. The door was busted open by a shoulder tackle from none other than the King of Koopas, who had a swat team behind him which quickly spread out and covered the room in response to their leader's hand signals. Bowser turned on a light, and found nobody in the room. "Damn. We're too late." The next morning, Toad checked his phone's voice mail. He recognized Wario's voice, but this time humored it given his increased ability to tolerate shenanigans now that he was fully awake. "Toad, I'm being dragged off to hell and I need somebody to save me. Can I count on you for this one, boss man?" "Oh," Toad said. He shrugged. Deep down he knew it was only a matter of time before this would happen. His next course of action was to decide who to contact for help. "I guess I better call Waluigi at the agency." He scrolled through his phone contacts to find the man in question, and sent the call. The familiar voice of a lanky purple man answered. "Hey." "Hey." "Toad, what's going on?" Toad sighed. "Ok. Ok. Bear with me for a second here. So, as it turns out, Wario--follow me on this, ok?--Wario got kidnapped and taken to Hell." Waluigi firmly held his palm to his face as he leaned his head towards the sky. "I suppose it was only a matter of time." "Yeah, I thought the same thing." "What are you going to do about it?" Waluigi questioned. "Well," Toad pondered, "I was wondering if your agency would have any resources to help me out. I'm going to go rescue him." "Wow, man. That's true friendship. Count me in, I'm going too. Let me go have a talk with my boss. I'm sure he can hook us up with some tools for the job. Give me a few minutes and I'll call you back." At the headquarters of the United States-Mushroom Kingdom Joint Intelligence Operation, Uncle Tito sat relaxed at his desk. In front of him sat a plate, utensils, and food. He held a piece of toast with one hand, and with the other he carefully scooped some of his beloved vegemite food spread with a butter knife and began applying it to his bread. He licked his lips sensually. "Yummy yummy, in my tummy..." he whispered to himself. His phone vibrated in his pocket. He stopped what he was doing and set down his meal to take it. "Hey," Tito answered. "Hey," Waluigi greeted back. "What is it, Agent W?" he asked. "Looks like Agent Double W got sent to hell finally." "... Hell, hm? I see." "Toad and I gotta go rescue him. Got anything that could help us out?" "I'll send some support your way, bruddah, you'll meet en route," Tito explained. "Thanks a lot, boss!" The call ended. Uncle Tito used both hands to hold up his toast, parallel to his mouth, with an unparalleled smile of joy on his face. He opened his mouth in preparation to eat his treasured vegemite meal. A seagull flew by, snatched his toast, and flew away. Tito's body didn't move at first, still holding out his arms as if grabbing air. After a few moments of statue-like stillness, his smile reversed into a disappointed frown. Toad and Waluigi trekked across a barren, mountainous, volcanic land. It closely resembled the look of the fictional land of Mordor. Eventually, they came upon an incredibly massive gate with bars not unlike those of prison cells. An equally monumental sign adorned the top center of the gate, reading, "Welcome to Hell!" in bold, old English letters. Upon closer inspection, underneath was a smaller subtext reading, "Visitors, please use the doorbell directory." To the side of the gate was indeed a list of names and locations, each assigned a button. Toad wasn't tall enough to see them, so Waluigi hauled him up to sit on his shoulder. He scratched his chin and twirled his mustache. "Looks like we press the buzzer to call whatever floor we're looking to go to. There's one for each one of the nine circles." "I would imagine he'd be on the floor for greed, yeah?" Toad inferred. "Let's just buzz the prison warden and ask for directions and see if they can't tell us where Wario is," Waluigi reasoned. They pressed the very top button to contact the very same warden. The video screen above the buzzer buttons turned on, and they were greeted to the face of Cowboy Bebop, wearing a Sheriff's badge. "Hey," Toad greeted him. "Hey," Cowboy Bebop replied back. "What are you doing here?" Toad asked. "Didn't you watch the show? I died in the last episode. Probably." "But... why are you in Hell?" He chuckled and lit a cigarette. "Oh, I'm not locked up in here. I'm just working a side job as the sheriff. The economy is tough for dead people, and this job pays pretty well." "Ah," Waluigi responded. "Well, we're looking for a guy named Wario. Did Wario come by here?" Bebop put on his reading glasses and shuffled a few papers into an even stack, then began glistening through the list of names. "Wario, right? I see him right here. They have him in a pending jail cell down on the tenth floor, awaiting his placement" "All the way at the bottom?" Waluigi groaned. "I should have known this wouldn't be easy." "You guys going in there to see him?" Cowboy Bebop asked. "We gotta go rescue him!" Toad explained. "Uhhhhhhh..." the cowboy expressed in discontented concern, "I guess you're welcome to try. I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into, though. It's pretty dangerous in here." The sound of a motocycle blurted out in the distance, getting louder as the vehicle got presumably closer. Toad and Waluigi turned around to see a man with white hair and a blood red long-coat driving towards them at breakneck speeds. He quickly swung the back wheel to the side, parallel with the front wheel, to slide the bike horizontally while slowing it down with one foot dragging against the ground. He accidentally skidded too far and his bike collided with Waluigi, sending the purple man flying with ragdoll physics like a G-Mod character. "Whoops, sorry Agent W," the man apologized. Waluigi got back on his feet and dusted off his pants, shrugging off the unintentional crash. "Oh, heya Dante. How have you been?" "Keepin' it stylish," Dante replied. "Heard you guys need some help. So our boss sent me as a specialist." "Hello Dante, good to see you again," Cowboy Bebop greeted as well. "If you're going too, I suppose I can let you all in." "Alright!" Dante cheered. He held out his arms for Toad and Waluigi to both fist bump him simultaneously. "I hope they're ready for a jam." Cowboy Bebop chained a second cigarette from the flame of his first one, and hit a button on his desk. An industrial sounding alarm buzzed, and the front gate opened up. "Alright. Go ahead on in, but make it quick." The three companions entered the gate and found themselves in Hell. Its appearance bore similarity to the foyer of a mansion, with ornate carpet and furniture with a spacious interior. It initially didn't appear to be hellish or torturous at all. Suddenly, like distance elevator music, those present in the room could hear a disturbing ambiance provided by the Wario World pause music. The visitors all covered their ears to ignore it. Toad sighed. "Yep, Wario's definitely here, alright." The area was populated with crowds of zombies and demons and other such horrors, and upon hearing Toad's voice they turned their heads towards the intruders in quick snaps like alerted animals. Dante drew his handguns, Ebony and Ivory, and spun them intricately while doing tricks before finally aiming them held out horizontally at his targets. "Looks like the party is about to get started." The legions of the undead began running full speed towards the trespassers in an aggressive fashion, as if preparing to attack. Before any violence could occur, however, they all dropped to the ground on their hands and knees, bowing their heads and prepared to beg. "You gotta help us, dudes!" a zombie pleaded. Dante spun his guns around doing more tricks for a few seconds, finally holstered them, and eyed the Hell folk suspiciously. "What are you talking about?" "Some assholes brought a businessman down there and they're monetizing memes and other viral content!" Toad slapped his palm to his face. Waluigi sighed. "Well, let's get a move on. Where are the elevators?" The door to the stairs on the other side of the room creaked open incredibly slowly, and incredibly menacingly. A moment of tense silence as all in the room waited to see who was opening the door. The head of a rage face popped out from behind the door. Before it could even spout a meme phrase, Dante plastered it with a rain of bullets. Suddenly, thousands upon thousands of the memer began swarming from every which way, climbing upon the walls and hanging from the ceilings. From doges to dabbers, all manner of memers erupted and threatened to swarm everything. "Aw shit, I guess this is it," Waluigi mumbled with chagrin. He took out a handgun of his own and clicked the hammer back. The steel door which had locked behind the three heroes was blasted off of its hinges as if hit with an explosive, revealing Bowser to have kicked the door down with a single stomp. The Doom theme began to blare. With a four-barreled flintlock pistol in one hand and a SPAS-12 combat shotgun in the other, he nodded his head forward. The pair of sunglasses which had been resting at his hairline slid down onto the bridge of his nose. "Heaven can't save you, Hell is a joke." Dante did a quadruple backflip and landed next to Bowser, and spun his guns around and began to juggle them along with two bowling pins, and upon finishing his tricks the two aimed their weapons while standing shoulder to shoulder. Dante smirked. "C'mon, babies. Let's rock!" Almost Dead from Shadow the Hedgehog began playing as the bullets began sailing. As the zombies and other natives of Hell crawled along the ground to scamper to safety, Dante and Bowser mowed down tide pod eaters, rage faces, waves and waves of VR Chat Knuckles', and even a few Youtube e-Celebs. "You guys go on ahead, we'll clear a path for you!" Dante shouted over the gunfire, throwing his guns in the air between shots so he could play a game of Bop-It! whilst fighting. Waluigi grabbed Toad and literally pulled him off of the ground to hold him in one hand as he ran towards the stairs. They reached bottom floor one, which finally resembled a stereotypical pit of flames. "Seymore, the house in on fire!" the voice of an elderly woman shouted. "No, Mother, it's just the northern lights," a delightfully devilish sounding second voice yelled back. Toad scanned the area. "Waluigi, over there! There's the elevators!" he pointed. The two ran to the elevator access hallway, only to find the elevators out of service. "Damn, guess we gotta take the stairs again," Waluigi groaned, kicking open the door to the small and compact stairwell chambers. Once inside the cramped area, they began descending the stairs as fast as they could, pushing anyone blocking the stairs out of the way. Several of the most evil people in history found themselves flung away as Waluigi and Toad charged on their warpath. As they spiraled downwards through the flights of stairs, they knocked Hitler down the stairs backwards, accidentally tackled Stalin into a wall, and deliberately stopped running for a moment in order to punch the Fine Bros in the face for their shitty React videos. They could already hear memespeak echoing down the stair chamber from above, and they knew the enemy was hot on their trail. "We're never gonna outrun them!" Toad cried desperately. They noticed Emperor Palpatine sipping coffee and reading a newspaper. They pushed him onto the ground, jumped onto his back, and used him like a skateboard to ride down the stairs at blinding speeds. "Gnarly, dudes," Palpatine commented. They slid down at such a pace that they would surely reach the bottom in a matter of moments. While sliding, they continued knocking denizens of hell out of the way, at one point hitting Toadette and sending her up in the air, and Waluigi caught her. Toad looked at her. "Hey." "Hey." Waluigi tossed her away and the two kept going. Toad and Waluigi made it to the door leading into the bottom floor. They used Palpatine and their speed to smash through the entrance. They entered the very darkest pits of Hell itself which was almost pitch black nothingness. They saw the light of a single, lone television, and found Wario watching Netflix while relaxing on a couch. "Oh, hey guys." "Wario!" Toad shouted, "What are you doing down here?" "That's a funny story. This guy here came up with this GREAT idea to make boatloads of cash..." The Ghost who had kidnapped Wario sat on the coach as well. "I tried to reform him from his greedy ways, but that was a fool's errand. If you can't beat them, join them. I'm in it for the money now, too." Wario looked at the ghost with a sharp glare. "What? You want a share of MY money that I'M going to make through MY company?" "Well if we're working together, it's only fair we share the gains..." "The only thing I'll share is my boot up your ass if you think you're gonna put your mitts on my moola!" Wario snarled. "Judas!" the Ghost shouted in defiance. "Hey," the biblical Judas greeted back. "This deal's off, punk," Wario announced. "Tell that to THIS guy," the ghost returned, snapping his fingers and summoning Ghost Rider to take a stand. Wario raised an eyebrow. "Why are you even helping this chump?" "He's holding my pet turtle hostage," Ghost Rider explained with mopey eyebrows and an anguished scowl. Taking the opportunity to strike, Toad and Waluigi pounced like tigers, pinning the ghost onto the ground as they began to wail their fists and beat the shit out of him. Bowser and Dante finally barged into the room with blazing rapidity, brandishing their firearms. "Nobody move!" Bowser shouted, "Your meme schemes end here." In a matter of moments, the meme police had hundreds of perpetrators detained in handcuffs, the ghost tied up in a chair, and Ghost Rider's turtle in safe custody. "I guess that wraps things up here," Dante asserted, sending a round of high fives to the others while spinning his guns. "But who was this ghost, anyway?" Toad asked. "Time to find out!" Cowboy Bebop announced. The hood was removed, taking a mask off with it. The identity of the culprit behind all of it was shouted in unison by all who were present. It was none other than... "The Caveman!" "That's not possible," Cowboy Bebop denounced, "Because..." He ripped off a mask. "I'M the Caveman!" They were all shocked, and Toad was the first to reply. "The Caveman! HE'S the sheriff!" "Are there two Cavemen?" Waluigi asked, puzzled. They ripped off another mask on the former ghost, revealing Oogtar. "I guess that makes two Cavemen, yeah," Wario reasoned. "And Oogtar would have gotten away, too, if not for kids and stupid Toad." Dante rubbed his chin while Wario rubbed his chins. "So what are you and the police supposed to do with a bunch of criminals who are too bad for Hell itself?" "My vote goes to throwing them all into a volcano," Bowser proposed. Oogtar's eyes widened in fear. "OOGTAR SORRY!!!" The undead and demons all cheered and threw confetti around the group of agents and officers. "Hooray! You've saved Hell!" "What hell kind of fucked up moral to story is that?" Oogtar questioned. "He has a point," Toad agreed, "Seriously. Did we actually learn anything today from this experience?" They were all just kinda silent. Category:Original Stories